Happy Birthday

December 7th. Today is Adam’s birthday.

Last year he got a beautiful new blue acoustic guitar for his birthday. Last year was his big 3-0, the gateway into adulthood. That guitar has been a godsend. His old guitar, bless its heart, couldn’t cough out another chord if it wanted to. But the new blue one fills the apartment with its warm, melancholy hues.

Last year we flew into Las Vegas on his birthday. To most people, this sounds exciting, like a treat even. People intentionally go there to vacation. But we are not mostpeople.

For those of you that know me well, you know that I took this testament to the extreme, tattooing across my forearm ‘mostpeople are a dying race’. The sentence is a part of a larger expression: “most people prefer blindness but mostpeople are a dying race”.

This bold representation about the upcoming age of enlightenment, the grand awakening of humankind inspired me greatly and so I put it on my body in hopes of invoking inquires from strangers. It back-fired. Sure a few people got it for its pure intention and I was able to share a handful of intimate understanding connections with people who were merely strangers before discussing the meaning of the tattoo.

But mostly, I felt it isolated me even more from others.

I realized that instead of bringing me a feeling of power, I felt shame. I realized that I put it on my body more so as a slap in the face to everyone who wasn’t ‘as awakened’ as I. Instead of invoking a sense of unity, I was literally saying, “This is where I am and you are not.” I realized I was being an egotistical asshole instead of an inviting being of light.

I covered up the tattoo.

So let me rephrase. Although most people may think of a Las Vegas birthday as a damn good time, we do not share that belief with most people. Never mind the fact that we were there to shoot what felt like the millionth ballroom dance competition. But let’s face it, Las Vegas is the white-trash tourist destination. Filled with insurmountable clouds of cigarette smoke, never-ending sing-song chimes from the slot machines, and a plethora of all you can eat meaty-meatster buffets, Las Vegas just isn’t our cup of tea.

To top it off, due to an organizational snafu, our regular room at the Luxor was unavailable and we ended up in a nasty, scary, down-and-dirty dive across the strip. Ugh.

We met up that night with an old friend of Adam’s: a beautiful girl, another Cancer. (Poor guy. The last thing he needs in his life is another female Cancer. Technically, though, if we’re being linear, I’m the other Cancer. She precedes me.)

Anyway, she couldn’t get a sitter, so we ended up at a shitty bar at some casino that had a ‘kid play’ center. Not quite how I envisioned celebrating his entrance into adulthood.

We ended up having a pretty damn good time, though. Drank way too much. (“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!” And let’s not forget, “Vegas, baby!” I could go the whole rest of my life and never having to hear either of those two sayings again would make me the happiest girl. To clarify: we did not on that night, nor have we ever, slur-yelled either of these phrases. Rather, my disgust for them comes from the countless time I have heard them.)

The drinking way too much led to me being an insecure baby and running my insecure baby mouth off. (Note: Saying you’re totally able to be in an openly loving relationship and living that existence are two totally different things. I’m growing up, though, and getting better with the concept of sharing in general.)

We showed up the next morning for the start of a twenty-hour shoot still drunk.

“Look on the bright side. At least we’re not hung over.”

This is what I do with birthdays. I use them as reference points, ear-marked pages in the chapters of the novels of our lives. Where were you last year at this time? How have you grown in the course of this year? (We’re always growing. Even when things seem stagnant, even when the wheels of our personal transportational devices seem to be rotating in reverse, we are growing. )

But birthdays share a greater importance. Literally they are the day that we chose to enter our current incarnation. The time, place and conditions we’re born into greatly impact and shape our life experience.

Birthdays are a time to love yourself and appreciate yourself for agreeing to take on the challenges, the lessons, the evolutionary course that you agree to with your Higher Self.

A time to smile and pay homage to the fact that, “I’m still here.” It may not always be comfortable, it may not always be pleasurable, but it sure is one hell of a ride.

I haven’t got anything special planned to celebrate 31. Sure I could place blame on the lack of funds, but it’s not like that’s a new factor in our entertainment equation. Truth be told, I don’t know what to do.

“What do you wanna do for your birthday this year?”

“I dunno.”

“Yea. I dunno either.”


It’s like this year kept gripping us around the neck and slamming us repeatedly into the wall. Harder. Harder. Harder. Each time the shit-eating grin that says, “Thank you, sir, I’d like another” fades a little bit more.

What exactly was being beaten out of us?
Who’s hands were those around our necks?

My gut replies, “They were your own hands. You were beating the anger out of yourselves.”

Finally, the grip was releases. We slowly slither our way down the wall. Collapsing on the floor, everything feels – hollow. Empty.

What the hell happened? Where am I? Who am I? Who are you? All these things I thought I had answers for have somehow evaporated.

Have I evaporated?

To be perfectly honest, having survived the past year seems like celebration enough.

So, alas, I have no tangible gift to offer you. I can’t even figure out where to bring you for dinner.

But know that this night, in honor of the 31st year of your existence in this life, on this level, that I love you. I am so grateful to be walking through this maze with you by my side. And I’m learning what it is to love and to be loved. I wish you the best in this next year of your life and I vow to do whatever I can to help aide you in your journey, for as long as I am welcomed by your side.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.