Dodging the Pendulum

I’ve got to eek a little bit out for Christ’s sake. It’s 6:20 in the evening and the best I have to show for the day’s accomplishments are a freshly shaven body.

You see this is the year that everything stopped fitting for me. Do you understand? Everything stopped fitting. Shoes, clothes, hair, everything became uncomfortable. Everything grew dirtier, the grays became more gray. I know most of this probably sounds totally foreign to most people. I know I wouldn’t understand it have I not been struggling to live through it. (Struggling against living through it would describe my actions better.)

Somewhere, somehow after having a pretty decent end of the year in 2005, 2006 something (everything) inside of me decided it didn’t wanna play anymore. And I stopped trying. I gave up. I caved in. I got tired of fighting and surrendered to slumber. And slumber I have. Hiding under the warm, dark covers I find the closest thing to comfort. But it’s temporary and it hurts me later on when another hour, another day, another month has passed.

And now I’m even weaker than I was before.

This life has been one of self-punishment. I’ve got a strong inner-saboteur that the masochist in me gets along with very well. Truth is for as long as I can remember I’ve felt like a complete outsider this time ‘round. Always observing what others have and praying that the Universe will care for me while I flounder and flap around on the wet pavement like a fish out of sea.

And I have been taken care of. Blessed many times over by money and love. Much of which I probably haven’t deserved. Much of which has been running out for some time now.

So I get that the reason that everything stopped fitting for me on the physical plane is because I haven’t allowed myself to start working on things higher up the ladder. My spiritual plane, my mental/emotional plane. I’m resisting. You see I made a pact with myself that this life I was gonna dive deep. I wanted to observe, explore: this life was to be one of great personal evolution for me.

So what’s the hold up?

It’s not for lack of knowledge, tools, or support. I’ve met some amazing people that have provided me with great insight. And depending on perspective, there isn’t a hold up at all. I am seeing, living, breathing through things I never before imagined. This IS extreme growth; it’s just not as comfortable as I’d imagined it to be.

Thus far it’s been a rather solitary existence. It’s like I’ve been waiting for something before I’m willing to share myself with others. What is it that I’m so afraid of? Am I afraid of what people will see in me? Afraid of the pieces of myself that I will see in them? I’ve got to overcome this, and soon. It’s debilitating. It’s suffocating. It’s killing me.

Every day all I want is to find the answer. I think I’m looking too hard, but don’t want to stop looking when I feel like all I’ve gained from the time spent searching is loss.

I thought I would be in a better place by now. I thought my career would’ve had a substantial foundation by now. I thought I’d be managing my debt better by now. I thought I’d be keeping up with the Jones’ better by now. (I thought I would’ve accepted and embraced the notion that it’s not at all about keeping up with the Jones’ by now.) I thought I’d have a healthier marriage by now. I yearned to have surrounded myself with more friends by now.

I want to be a better person. Now.

What I’m facing here is my ultimate meeting with faith: faith in myself, this Universe, this level. You see, I thought I had it, and I did have a relatively strong portion of it. But the doubt(s) that were lurking beneath the surface swelled and swelled and I allowed them to swoosh me out to sea.

I’m a good person with a huge, loving heart. I’m smart, dedicated and loyal. I have a work ethic that knows no limits. When I allow these elements of myself to freefall, it’s a beautiful thing. Then for reasons I have yet to fully define, I build a dam.

A mentor, a dear friend of mine paid me a compliment recently. (It came under the preface of, “I’m not one who hands out many compliments.”) He said, “Jenna, I’ve watched you very closely over the years and when you’re on, I – am - in - awe of you. There’s nothing you can’t accomplish. But when you go off, you go way off.”

And it’s true. This pendulum swings back and forth, back and forth. I’ve taken it much further this time. The pendulum entered the darkness and stopped. Suspended. Choked.

How do I convince myself that everything’s going to be okay when I ache all over? My body feels weak and I am ill. I’ve suffered extensive hair loss and some internal functions have begun to shut down. (A shame we only start really paying attention to breakdowns once they are to the level of physical manifestation.) I try to mask my discomfort, but see it reflected in those around me. Instead of exuding glowing white energy, I become an energy vampire. And the cycle repeats.

I’ve been examining choice lately. The fear that’s been poisoning this reality has been based around the ‘fact’ that I feel as though my thoughts, words, actions get high-jacked. At times I feel as though my body is only along for the ride. There have been several instances this year when I have literally blurted out the realization, “I’m fucking crazy.”

“I’ve gone crazy.” So this is what insanity feels like.

Truth is, though, we choose. We decide. I spun out because somewhere, on some level, I chose to. And I know myself well enough to know I like a good challenge. I mean for Christ’s sake, I’ve spent the past few years trying to sell independent art house scripts to Hollywood. I’ve been trying to push socio-political revolution through Hollywood. Obviously, I get off on overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles! (For those of you keeping score at home, the options we have had, the serious interest we have obtained has been from the international film community.)

To review, playing rock-paper-scissors with my higher-self out there in the ether circa 1977, I throw some dice on the craps table and say, “How about a communicator, an artist, writer, painter. Toss in some serious security issues. And plant me in the middle of the biggest fascist capitalist regime you can find. Higher-self grunts, chuckles and replies, “Ah, you’re good.”

One of my spiritual advisors nailed it when he brought to the surface the reminder that this was going to be a very difficult life for me. “You’re incredibly open and sensitive. Like a sponge, you absorb the pain of those around you, those of the world. And the world is going to go through a very difficult period.”

I try to place my anger on the ugly elements that infiltrate my consciousness. BushCo, voter fraud, the death of Habeas Corpus, war, genocide, for profit health care, poor public education, lack of access to affordable (or FREE) continuing education, global warming, global dominance………….

But what I am really angry at is myself. I am angry for deciding to experience such a no-holds-barred, blindingly naked view of the harsh realities of reality. I’m angry with myself for wishing back the ignorance. And I’m angry because I now realize that although ignorance is bliss, true bliss is to be found by learning how to adapt and emit pure love and happiness despite the dissolution of the ignorance.

I’m angry with myself for not managing my awakening better.

I can do better than this.

I have to try.

I have to try.